imafuturist | Lab Below Stark Industries, Monday Morning

For once, the call wouldn't find Hardison out combing the island for tiny monsters ~~which is my excuse for his absence while I run around the Eastern seaboard~~. He was, in fact, engaged in a bit of ethical hacking when the call came through, putting together a dossier on a potential target from the Black Book. "'Sup," he said, not even paying attention to who was on the other line. The trail of shell companies and shadow corporations was tricky to follow and decipher. "You got this number, you know who this is."

Tony grinned, shaking his head. "Pizza Hut?"

Hardison laughed, recognizing Tony's voice. "Yo, man, this is Dominoes an' we're offended you thought otherwise! Clearly, Brooklyn's been influencin' your choice of terrible pizza."

Chicago vs NYC, the pizza battle that would never die.

"What's up?"

"Something just died in my heart at calling what either sells 'pizza'."

Chicago pizza was a casserole. No one needed that much cheese in their life, damn it.

"I, ah, have a favor to ask."

Umm, excuse you Tony, that much cheese was a sign that God existed an He truly loved mankind.

"Look, I call pepperoni Hot Pockets pizza. Drives Eliot crazy, too." Actually, Eliot objected to calling Hot Pockets 'food', but that was Eliot for you. "What kinda favor? Cause if you're orderin' takeout, I only did them deliveries because I was just hatchin' some eggs an' needed to walk."

It was a food coma in a pan!

That made Tony laugh again. "No, JARVIS orders food when he decides I need something more than coffee to survive. I need to pull infomation from a closed system."

Stupid low tech HYDRA.

There was a brief moment of silence when even Hardison's hands stilled on the keyboard. A small beep reminded him that the worm he'd installed on the system only had a brief time before self-destructing and removing all evidence of its passage (including the trail Hardison was following). The clacking of the keyboard resumed as Hardison let out an intrigued-sounding hmm.

"Interestin'," he said. "What kinda data an' whose system?"

Needing information from a low-tech system? That sounded like the beginnings of a con.

"Group called HYDRA," Tony replied, rubbing his head at the pinging of tech in the back of his head. "Remnants of the Nazi party bent on the usual path of world domination and wearing ridiculous costumes. They have--they're moving something important soon. And I need to find out when and where so I can take it from them."

Because saying 'They have the body of my deceased friend and I have no clue what they're planning to do with it, but it can't be good' wasn't really something you could drop into normal conversations.

Yeah, even by the standards of Leverage that was more than a little...outre. Though hopefully it would come up before Hardison came face to face with a corpse. He was still more than a little sensitive about things like that.

"Yo, you're up against legit an' for-real Nazis?" he asked with a low whistle. "Damn." That was...something almost straight out of a comic book. Especially with the ridiculous costumes. "So you need intel on when they're movin' it, where, an' anythin' you can get on what they got planned." Sounded easy enough. At least, if you had the skills for it. Which Hardison did and suspected Tony did, too. "You lookin' at a specific base or is that where we need to start?"

He was grinning. He probably shouldn't be grinning, considering what was at stake here. But come on. How often did someone get to fight actual Nazis?!

From a comic book? Pfft. Don't be silly. It was from a cartoon based on comic books with elements cribbed from the movies. Completely different.

"I have a base in mind, yeah. How do you feel about a trip to Ohio?"

Oh, well, that made sense then.

"Ohio?" Hardison made a face. "There ain't nothin' good in Ohio. No wonder that's where a buncha Nazis decided to make camp."

That was a yes, for anyone who didn't speak Hardison.

"An' why they decided to go so low-tech. The infrastructure probably couldn't handle somethin' as complex as a T-2 line."

"I'm trying to stay under their radar, so anything on the east coast is out," Tony replied. "At least it's not Jersey this time."

He would never forgive Osborn for that.

"Come by the lab. Jessica's got a dimensional portal we can use. JARVIS will show you down."

And of course he hung up at that. Because he was a mean, mean man.

Yeah, you know what? Hardison could deploy another worm and get the rest of this information later. Right now, there was a dimensional portal to check out.

Because he was a considerate boyfriend, he sent a text behind for his partners.

Gone to Ohio to con Nazis! BBL! Love you!

He was going to be murdered. And not by Nazis.

But that was future!Hardison's problem. Present!Hardison was grabbing his bugout bag, left a Gone Connin' sign on the door, and ran to Tony's lab. Huh. This run was a lot easier than before.

Tony was going to end up getting punched for this, wasn't he?

"If you would take the stairway to your left, Mr. Hardison," JARVIS said once he arrived. "Sir is awaiting you."

Yeah, Tony had managed to get his AI to sound moderately put upon.

Well, someone was. And Eliot had rules about punching his boyfriend after the Spleen Incident, so...probably.

But at least Eliot probably wouldn't let Parker taze anyone?

"So, you're a real, workin' AI," Hardison said wonderingly as he headed for the stairway. "Anyone tell you how cool you are? Cause you are, man. Like, so damn cool."

Why, yes, Hardison was going to fanboy at the sapient computer. Absolutely.

"Not in some time," JARVIS replied, amusement seeping into the polite tone.

"Nuh uh. No trying to seduce JARVIS away," Tony called, digging through a pile of armor for the right gauntlet.

"I ain't tryna seduce him," Hardison said primly. "I'm simply commentin' on the obvious facts of his awesomeness an' lettin' him come to whatever conclusions his logic leads him to."

Beat.

"Unless he's amenable to seducin', in which case sixteen year old me is about to punch air."

Hi, Tony. Hardison was totally here to help!

"Harlot." Tony sighed and slipped the gauntlet on, flexing his hand to confirm it would do. Once that was done he tossed what looked like a metal bracelet that looked like Wonder Woman might wear it into battle over at Hardison.

"I learned it from watching you, sir."

Also learned sass from watching Tony. So much sass.

So much sass. Hardison approved.

Hardison caught the bracelet--with a slight fumble, yes, but the important thing was that he caught it. Anything else was extraneous. "Uhh, is this a friendship bracelet?" he asked, weighing the bracelet on his palm. "Cause it seems a little intense for that?"

"It's a shield," Tony said. "Flex your wrist after you put it on."

A beat.

"Not near your face."

Because no one needed a hardlight projection of Captain America's shield to the nose. Unless they were Nazis.

Cue insta-geek!Hardison. He slapped it to his wrist and immediately flexed it, giving a wordless squee of delight when the hardlight shield popped into existence. "Lookit this!" he cried. "Lookit me! Hardiman is here to stay!"

Hardison, you said that last part out loud.

"Yo, JARVIS! Can you take a coupla pics of me lookin' heroic an' stuff?"

Tony was just going to duck his head and pretend to not laugh at that. He shook his head, working on the coordinates for Jessica's portal.

"Of course, Mr. Hardison."

"Whoa, whoa, just Hardison man, please," Hardison said, dropping the pose for a second. "Mr. Hardison is...well, I ain't entirely sure, but he kinda sounds like an ass."

"Best of luck with that one," Tony replied. "J is big on proper titles when he has them. Won't call Rhodey anything other than Lieutenant Colonel Rhodes no matter what I say."

"Can we say that mister ain't my proper title, then?" Hardison asked hopefully, sliding into one last pose for JARVIS to take so he could send it to Eliot. "Also, what else you need to tell me besides that we're goin' to Ohio to fight Nazis?"

It felt distinctly weird coming at a con front the angle that didn't have all the information.

"It's a smaller base," Tony said. "From the heat they're putting off, it's a server farm for their communications systems."

He grinned ruefully.

"Which is too low tech for me to get into using wireless methods. I need someone who can put a tap on their systems without anyone being the wiser and I can't do that alone."

Hardison just grinned. "Why. just so happens that that is in my skillset," he noted. "Ain't that handy?"

Also, literally the reason you were asked, Hardison. C'mon now. "An' I just happened to grab all my gear before I left--" yes, 'happened' "--so all we need is to get inside an' we're golden."

Tony nodded in complete understanding over how things like that just mysteriously happened. Then turned serious.

"If it goes south, just get out of there and JARVIS can pull you back. That's more important than getting the intel, okay?"

"An' if it goes south, what are you gonna be doin'?" Hardison asked, with the resignation that came from dating the hitter in a con. Because the answer was never don't you worry, Hardison, I'll be running right along behind you.

Edited 2016-08-08 23:42 (UTC)

Tony held up the hand covered with the gauntlet, letting it continue to assemble down his arm and whir as the repulsor warmed up. "Making sure no one follows."

Because Tony was a massive hypocrite and no one must share this story with anyone he knew back home because they would hit him.

"That's about what I thought," Hardison said with a sigh that was only partially mitigated by his interesting in Tony's suit. "At least that thing's got laser beams or whatever. so you ain't just duking it out toe-to-toe with some Nazi science experiment gone wrong."

In fairness, that example came from a diet of bad B-movies in his youth, not because he knew the particulars of Tony's life.

Yet.

"Nah, no Baron Zemo in the midwest," Tony assured him. And Hardison should really be glad they weren't dealing with AIM and the wonder that was MODOK. God, he was the worst villain around.

Outside of Batroc... ze lepair.

"Ready?"

"Are you askin' me if I'm ready to hop through an dimensional portal to end up in Ohio of all places to hack a Nazi server farm?" Hardison asked, practically bouncing on his toes. "Hell yeah I am!"

Then he paused, whipped out his phone, and fiddled with it a few times. "Okay, now I am," he amended. "Because only a fool wouldn't take readings of alla this when he has the chance."

And Nana didn't raise no fool. Whatever she'd say about this endeavor and Eliot's current opinion of his beside the point.

Tony eyed the phone for a moment, lifting an eyebrow as he checked just what readings he was taking here. Anything dangerous might mysteriously be corrupted.

Only then did he activate the portal to... sigh... Ohio. "After you."

Hardison was just one of those people who wanted to know how everything worked, especially if it was the least bit technological or geeky. Cheerfully humming as his phone tried to record all the data possible about the portal, Hardison stepped through.

And immediately sighed. "Even portals can't make Ohio more interestin'," he declared.

Proprietary information! It was things like this that would cause Armor Wars. This right here.

Tony made a face, looking around to pin point the building with some vertigo causing satellite footage. "At least we're not down south."

They were such city boys.

Hacker. Hardison didn't believe in proprietary information!

"Yo, my boyfriend's from Oklahoma," Hardison said, rolling his eyes. "Sure am lookin' forward to that meet the family. Bringin' the black guy home, no anxieties there."

Thank you for oversharing, Hardison.

"Could be worse. Could be in the woods again with a buncha racist, anti-government militia men dressed like an IRS agent."

Just saying.

Tony tried not to laugh as he left JARVIS in charge of watching their backs with the satellite feed, but only because the last time he'd had to deal with someone of the anti-government militia variety, he'd ended up with Extremis.

"One of the perks of being an orphan, I guess," he said cheerfully. Tony, seriously.

Hardison made a non-committal noise. He wasn't an orphan exactly--his mother was still alive somewhere and god only knew where (or who) his father was.

"Funny, you don't strike me as bein' another system kid," he said, giving Tony a sidelong look with a fair measure of amusement in it. "Maybe it's all the shiny tech that's throwin' me off."

Shitty childhood bro bond?

"Unless you consider boarding school a system, I'm not," Tony replied. Ahead of them, an unobtrusive guard stood by the only entrance into the building. What Tony wouldn't give for warehouses and easily marked HYDRA goons. "Car accident when I was eighteen."

JUST GONNA IGNORE THE CLUSTERFUCK OF HIS 616 BACKSTORY NOW. LA LA LA.

"Ahh," Hardison said with a nod. And here he was, having only ever gone to college as part of a con. Still, there was more than one kind of of system out there. "State took me away from my mom when I was three? Maybe four." Just old enough for a few vague memories, more sensory than concrete. "Don't know if I ever met my dad."

He paused, spotting the guard a few moments after Tony. Look, this was never his part of the con, okay? "So, how you wanna do this?"

It was his con, that made Tony the Mastermind by Hardison's reckoning.

Tony's mouth went tight to keep from commenting that knowing who your father was wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Nuclear families didn't mean terribly much if they didn't care for each other.

This probably explained so much about both of them latching onto found families.

He tapped his fingers against his thigh, considering it. "You okay playing distraction?"

And Hardison knew he'd been damn lucky to eventually be fostered with his Nana, thus giving him an objectively better childhood than Tony, at least as far as emotional health went. But yes, that was exactly where his need for found families came from. There was no one in Nate Ford's little squad that hadn't been at least a little broken.

"Yeah, I got this," he said, digging into his jacket pocket. He'd stuffed a few odds and ends in there before heading to Tony's, tiny objects that often proved to be helpful in cons past. "I can do lost tourist or distinguished higher-up--" well, maybe not that last one if they were actual Nazis "--or foreign investor or a lotta other things. You should hear my British accent, yo."

And shut up, Eliot, he was great at accents.

"I was part of Second City, back in Chicago."

It was part of his emotionally stunted charm! Aw yeah, broken people fixing things.

Tony's mouth twitched in an attempt to stay serious. "Maybe pretend there's Pikachu in there."

"Maybe I'll be super-lucky an' there really WILL be," Hardison said, not even bothering to hide his smile. "I'll get you inside that building in seconds for a high enough level Pikachu."

Though the drab building in front of them did not look like a promising Pokemon haunt. No Pokestops, no gym, not even some tufts of grass. Rude.

"Anythin' else I should know before I go down an' cause trouble?"

"Use the shield if he seems suspicious," Tony suggested. "And try not to actually get distracted by catching them all."

Said the guy who had a bunch of electric type named after Arthurian characters. TONY, SERIOUSLY.

Lab Below Stark Industries, Monday Morning

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